Are your relationships afflicted with flees and weeds? During any conflict we have three decisions: flee, fight, or solve the problem and continue to grow. Any conflict can be an opportunity to grow if the issues are addressed promptly and properly with understanding, forgiveness, and compromise.
Fighting or fleeing are communication ‘exit ramps' and can lead to an ‘emotional divorce'. Fleeing from a conflict escalates isolation. Withdrawal allows problems to fester. Punishment thru silence is seldom a wise choice.
Facing a conflict by fighting is another poor choice. Accusations, demands, put downs, and denigration in order to win are also relationship ‘death spirals'. John Gottman calls criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and withdrawal the ‘four horsemen' of the apocalypse. Howard Markman from the University of Denver cautions couples to beware of withdrawal, invalidation, negative thinking, and escalation (hard start-ups). W-i-n-e is a great acronym to recall these conflict calamities.
Susan Scott tells a wonderful story in her recent release Fierce Leadership, about a man who admires his neighbor's lawn. He tells his friend that he'd love to have such a lush lawn. His neighbor quips that if he did, in six months it would look like his current turf. One neighbor pulled his weeds; the other resented the ones he had. The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but only because it's being fertilized and watered more diligently.
The bible says, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger". Phyllis Diller added, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Stay up and fight it out". There is also the concept of taking a time out and leaving controversial topics out of the bedroom especially when you are tired. The trick is to table that topic for the very next day rather than sweep it under the carpet and let it spontaneously combust at a later date.
Fleeing from conflict, fighting unfairly, and allowing relationship weeds to grow are poor substitutes for timely, conflict resolution skills.